Hello, Diary.
So, after we saw what one bear did to a thick steel cover, we knew well enough to stay away from those road beggars.
"First thing we're going to do is go to the store for some groceries," Dad announced to the assembled Hoffman tribe the second morning. "From what the ranger told me, it won't take very long to get there."
"Can I sit by a window?" Doc III pleaded with Dad.
"You can," said Dad, "as long as you make certain your brothers don't kill each other."
"Did you hear that, dumb ass?" Doc III whispered to me.
I nodded.
"And you, dipshit? You're not going to hit dumb ass, are you?" he asked Dork.
“I won’t if he doesn’t hit me,” said Shorty, "but one of us gets to sit by the window. I'm older. So, that's reason enough for me to get the window.”
"No way," I said. "Let's flip a coin to see who wins."
Doc III looked to Dork. "That sounds fair. Is that okay with you?"
"Okay," Dork finally said, "but I get to pick if it's heads or tails."
"That’s all right with me," I told Doc III.
"Doc III flipped the nickel in the air, caught it with one hand and laid it on the back of the other hand, covering the coin. He grinned and finally displayed who won.
"It's the White House," affirmed Dork. "And that means I win."
"That's not the White House," I said. "It's Thomas Jefferson's home at Monticello."
"Doesn't matter, dumb ass," said Doc III. "It means you're sitting in the middle."
"Big deal," I said. "When we leave the store, I get to sit by the window."
"Do not," replied Dork.
"Do too."
"Why do you two always fight?" pleaded Crazy Annie as she turned around to eyeball us.
"It's because he's such a Dork," I said.
"It's because he stinks like a urinal," replied Mister Superior but Shorter.
The trip to the store did not take long. We had to cross a bridge. Below it were men and boys who were fishing.
"I should've brought my fly rod."
"I reminded you to do so," said Dad. "Plenty of times."
I had nothing to say because he was correct.
The store looked like a huge log cabin. Besides having a lot of stuffed animals inside that weren't for sale, the store had plenty of canned goods and food and other touristy things.
"The prices are much higher than our A&P," Mother told Dad.
"That's because this place doesn't have any competition," said Dad, eyeballing a bottle of Old Overholt Rye whiskey and finally picking it up for closer inspection.
Mother wore that concerned look of hers. Only she could look concerned the way she did. "Jim, I thought you were going to—"
"My brother George," Dad broke in, "told me the Navy used it for medicinal purposes during the war."
"We're no longer at war, Jim, and you know exactly what I mean by that."
Dad nodded.
I didn't know what she meant right away, but I pretty much figured it out before I fell asleep that night in my mummy sleeping bag. Which was now dry. I think Mother meant she and Dad were no longer at war with each other, as long as he didn't get drunk. At least, that's what I still think.
We returned to the campground. Doc III was in charge of the campfire. There still were hot embers left in the fire pit. He added small dried sticks Dork, Crazy Annie, and I picked up from the forest floor.
Dad got the Coleman gas stove going, pumping plenty of air into the fuel tank. He explained to me the fuel the Coleman used was "white gas."
"What's the difference between white gas and the gas we get at gas stations?" I asked.
"White gas is naphtha," he said.
"Oh," I said as if I understood what he was talking about. Lots of times, I'll say nothing when I don't understand something because I don't want to look stupid. Which I am.
After we ate dried salami and cheese sandwiches with mustard or mayonnaise, Dad asked us what we'd like to do next.
"Why don't we go see Old Faithful?" suggested Mother.
"What's that?" asked Crazy Annie.
"A big geyser," chimed in Doc III and Dork.
"Yeah, let's go," I said.
So, that's where Dad drove us. Old Faithful is named that way because the park rangers can tell you close to the time when the next eruption will take place. Eruption means to explode. And boy, when Old Faithful erupts, it exploded hot water really, really high in the air. One hundred and twenty five feet high. But its eruption was not long enough for me and my brothers and sister. We wanted to wait for the next explosion of boiling hot water.
Dad and Mother said there wasn't much to do except wait for a long time or buy stuff in the store near the geyser. It wasn't like the grocery store we were at in the morning. This store sold mostly post cards and pictures of Old Faithful and other touristy stuff.
The next things we went to see were other geysers, which didn't erupt like Old Faithful. Most of them just bubbled. And boy. did they stunk. To high heaven, I tell you. They stunk like rotten eggs. I got sick to my stomach and almost puked right then and there. Nobody else got sick except for me. Must be because I’m a reject.
"Can I go back to the car?" I asked.
"Why?" asked Mother.
"I don't feel so good."
"Why don't you feel so good?"
I pointed to my stomach. "I think I'm going to--"
"What's the problem?" Dad asked.
"The stink," I explained. "I don't like their stink. My stomach. I feel like I'm going to upchuck. Can I go back to the car?"
"Okay, but don't go anywhere else."
"I promise." When I returned to the car, I lay down on the rear seat. All of a sudden, I had to get up really, really fast. Because I wasn't kidding. I did have to puke. Much later, everyone else returned to the car.
"Pewwwweeeeee," whined Crazy Annie, holding her nose. "Gordy puked."
"He really was sick," Mother told Dad.
From then on, every time our car stopped for different geysers, some that had beautiful, different colors according to the rest of my family, I still wouldn't go. I even got sick just thinking of their rotten egg stink.
The next day, we looked for wild animals. We saw plenty of elk. We saw four mule deer. They really have big ears. We stopped to look at a mama moose and her baby standing in a pond. There must've been fifty cars that had stopped for them. Mama and her baby were eating watercress leaves, Dad said. He took a picture of them.
Also, we saw a small herd of buffalo but the park ranger said they weren’t buffalo but are really Bison. John Wayne calls them buffalo. That's good enough for me. So, that's what I'll keep on calling them. Also, we saw plenty of wild birds, many we don't get to see in Wisconsin Rapids.
The next morning, Mother took out a bottle of milk she bought at the store. She had kept it in the Montgomery Ward ice chest. "I'll pour a glass for anyone who wants one," she said. Naturally, she didn't pour me one because I hate white milk. Chocolate isn't too great either.
"I don't like that it's not pasteurized," Mother told Dad, "but it's all the store had."
Dork and Crazy Annie asked for a second glass.
"It's really good and cold," said Dork.
"I like it very much," chimed in Crazy Annie.
"You're welcome to all of mine," I told them.
"They can have mine, too," agreed Doc III.
So, Dork and Crazy Annie drank all the milk.
Finally, we had to leave Yellowstone and start on our return trip back to Wisconsin. We stopped in the Black Hills so we could see to see Mount Rushmore. What a neat place. Carved into stone were huge faces of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt. And I mean they were huge. Below them was a lot of mica chips. To me, mica looked like shiny silver or gold. Dad let me keep some pieces so I could show the stuff to my friends back home.
After we arrived home, I was super happy I don't like milk because Dork and Crazy Annie got real sick. I mean really sick. They could’ve died, Dad said, from having very high temperatures. "They might have measles," he thought aloud one day. That's why he made them stay in bed. Also, their bedroom window shades had to be pulled down. They didn't get red dots on their bodies but their temperatures would go down and then back up again and then down again and back up again.
That's when Dad, a real doctor, figured out what was wrong They had undulant fever. Since I like words so much, I learned from our librarian on Saturday that the word undulate means "to surge." I never heard of an undulating fever but my brother and sister had it. It comes from unpasteurized milk.
There are very few things I don't like to eat or drink. Besides milk, I can't stand even to look at Jello. I tried it once. It slipped down my throat and then shot back up and out of my mouth as if it was a cannon ball shooting out of a barrel. Even standing there on the dining room table, Jello jiggles as if it's alive. And I'm not eating anything that has a heartbeat like it seems Jello has.
I felt real bad for Dork and Crazy Annie. That's a first for me. Feeling bad for Dork. Dad said the undulant fever caused them to have heart murmurs. I don't know what heart murmurs are, but they can't be good because of the way Dad and Mother looked when they told Doc III and me about them. My oldest brother and I kind of acted as if somebody we knew real well had died.
So, after we saw what one bear did to a thick steel cover, we knew well enough to stay away from those road beggars.
"First thing we're going to do is go to the store for some groceries," Dad announced to the assembled Hoffman tribe the second morning. "From what the ranger told me, it won't take very long to get there."
"Can I sit by a window?" Doc III pleaded with Dad.
"You can," said Dad, "as long as you make certain your brothers don't kill each other."
"Did you hear that, dumb ass?" Doc III whispered to me.
I nodded.
"And you, dipshit? You're not going to hit dumb ass, are you?" he asked Dork.
“I won’t if he doesn’t hit me,” said Shorty, "but one of us gets to sit by the window. I'm older. So, that's reason enough for me to get the window.”
"No way," I said. "Let's flip a coin to see who wins."
Doc III looked to Dork. "That sounds fair. Is that okay with you?"
"Okay," Dork finally said, "but I get to pick if it's heads or tails."
"That’s all right with me," I told Doc III.
"Doc III flipped the nickel in the air, caught it with one hand and laid it on the back of the other hand, covering the coin. He grinned and finally displayed who won.
"It's the White House," affirmed Dork. "And that means I win."
"That's not the White House," I said. "It's Thomas Jefferson's home at Monticello."
"Doesn't matter, dumb ass," said Doc III. "It means you're sitting in the middle."
"Big deal," I said. "When we leave the store, I get to sit by the window."
"Do not," replied Dork.
"Do too."
"Why do you two always fight?" pleaded Crazy Annie as she turned around to eyeball us.
"It's because he's such a Dork," I said.
"It's because he stinks like a urinal," replied Mister Superior but Shorter.
The trip to the store did not take long. We had to cross a bridge. Below it were men and boys who were fishing.
"I should've brought my fly rod."
"I reminded you to do so," said Dad. "Plenty of times."
I had nothing to say because he was correct.
The store looked like a huge log cabin. Besides having a lot of stuffed animals inside that weren't for sale, the store had plenty of canned goods and food and other touristy things.
"The prices are much higher than our A&P," Mother told Dad.
"That's because this place doesn't have any competition," said Dad, eyeballing a bottle of Old Overholt Rye whiskey and finally picking it up for closer inspection.
Mother wore that concerned look of hers. Only she could look concerned the way she did. "Jim, I thought you were going to—"
"My brother George," Dad broke in, "told me the Navy used it for medicinal purposes during the war."
"We're no longer at war, Jim, and you know exactly what I mean by that."
Dad nodded.
I didn't know what she meant right away, but I pretty much figured it out before I fell asleep that night in my mummy sleeping bag. Which was now dry. I think Mother meant she and Dad were no longer at war with each other, as long as he didn't get drunk. At least, that's what I still think.
We returned to the campground. Doc III was in charge of the campfire. There still were hot embers left in the fire pit. He added small dried sticks Dork, Crazy Annie, and I picked up from the forest floor.
Dad got the Coleman gas stove going, pumping plenty of air into the fuel tank. He explained to me the fuel the Coleman used was "white gas."
"What's the difference between white gas and the gas we get at gas stations?" I asked.
"White gas is naphtha," he said.
"Oh," I said as if I understood what he was talking about. Lots of times, I'll say nothing when I don't understand something because I don't want to look stupid. Which I am.
After we ate dried salami and cheese sandwiches with mustard or mayonnaise, Dad asked us what we'd like to do next.
"Why don't we go see Old Faithful?" suggested Mother.
"What's that?" asked Crazy Annie.
"A big geyser," chimed in Doc III and Dork.
"Yeah, let's go," I said.
So, that's where Dad drove us. Old Faithful is named that way because the park rangers can tell you close to the time when the next eruption will take place. Eruption means to explode. And boy, when Old Faithful erupts, it exploded hot water really, really high in the air. One hundred and twenty five feet high. But its eruption was not long enough for me and my brothers and sister. We wanted to wait for the next explosion of boiling hot water.
Dad and Mother said there wasn't much to do except wait for a long time or buy stuff in the store near the geyser. It wasn't like the grocery store we were at in the morning. This store sold mostly post cards and pictures of Old Faithful and other touristy stuff.
The next things we went to see were other geysers, which didn't erupt like Old Faithful. Most of them just bubbled. And boy. did they stunk. To high heaven, I tell you. They stunk like rotten eggs. I got sick to my stomach and almost puked right then and there. Nobody else got sick except for me. Must be because I’m a reject.
"Can I go back to the car?" I asked.
"Why?" asked Mother.
"I don't feel so good."
"Why don't you feel so good?"
I pointed to my stomach. "I think I'm going to--"
"What's the problem?" Dad asked.
"The stink," I explained. "I don't like their stink. My stomach. I feel like I'm going to upchuck. Can I go back to the car?"
"Okay, but don't go anywhere else."
"I promise." When I returned to the car, I lay down on the rear seat. All of a sudden, I had to get up really, really fast. Because I wasn't kidding. I did have to puke. Much later, everyone else returned to the car.
"Pewwwweeeeee," whined Crazy Annie, holding her nose. "Gordy puked."
"He really was sick," Mother told Dad.
From then on, every time our car stopped for different geysers, some that had beautiful, different colors according to the rest of my family, I still wouldn't go. I even got sick just thinking of their rotten egg stink.
The next day, we looked for wild animals. We saw plenty of elk. We saw four mule deer. They really have big ears. We stopped to look at a mama moose and her baby standing in a pond. There must've been fifty cars that had stopped for them. Mama and her baby were eating watercress leaves, Dad said. He took a picture of them.
Also, we saw a small herd of buffalo but the park ranger said they weren’t buffalo but are really Bison. John Wayne calls them buffalo. That's good enough for me. So, that's what I'll keep on calling them. Also, we saw plenty of wild birds, many we don't get to see in Wisconsin Rapids.
The next morning, Mother took out a bottle of milk she bought at the store. She had kept it in the Montgomery Ward ice chest. "I'll pour a glass for anyone who wants one," she said. Naturally, she didn't pour me one because I hate white milk. Chocolate isn't too great either.
"I don't like that it's not pasteurized," Mother told Dad, "but it's all the store had."
Dork and Crazy Annie asked for a second glass.
"It's really good and cold," said Dork.
"I like it very much," chimed in Crazy Annie.
"You're welcome to all of mine," I told them.
"They can have mine, too," agreed Doc III.
So, Dork and Crazy Annie drank all the milk.
Finally, we had to leave Yellowstone and start on our return trip back to Wisconsin. We stopped in the Black Hills so we could see to see Mount Rushmore. What a neat place. Carved into stone were huge faces of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt. And I mean they were huge. Below them was a lot of mica chips. To me, mica looked like shiny silver or gold. Dad let me keep some pieces so I could show the stuff to my friends back home.
After we arrived home, I was super happy I don't like milk because Dork and Crazy Annie got real sick. I mean really sick. They could’ve died, Dad said, from having very high temperatures. "They might have measles," he thought aloud one day. That's why he made them stay in bed. Also, their bedroom window shades had to be pulled down. They didn't get red dots on their bodies but their temperatures would go down and then back up again and then down again and back up again.
That's when Dad, a real doctor, figured out what was wrong They had undulant fever. Since I like words so much, I learned from our librarian on Saturday that the word undulate means "to surge." I never heard of an undulating fever but my brother and sister had it. It comes from unpasteurized milk.
There are very few things I don't like to eat or drink. Besides milk, I can't stand even to look at Jello. I tried it once. It slipped down my throat and then shot back up and out of my mouth as if it was a cannon ball shooting out of a barrel. Even standing there on the dining room table, Jello jiggles as if it's alive. And I'm not eating anything that has a heartbeat like it seems Jello has.
I felt real bad for Dork and Crazy Annie. That's a first for me. Feeling bad for Dork. Dad said the undulant fever caused them to have heart murmurs. I don't know what heart murmurs are, but they can't be good because of the way Dad and Mother looked when they told Doc III and me about them. My oldest brother and I kind of acted as if somebody we knew real well had died.
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